Tired of crying

My story is so long, but I feel as though I'm not the only grandparent in this position.

When my daughter was 28 years old, she had an affair with a married man, got pregnant and had my grandson, seven years ago. They lived with us for quite a while. I babysat my grandson while my daughter worked. They eventually moved out of our home to a town about 10 miles away. I still babysat my grandson. My daughter, my grandson and I always did things together. It seemed as though everything was fine.

My daughter had a good job, but decided for some reason she wanted to move to Wilmington, Delaware. (110 miles away from my home) I still got to see my grandson because I would go down to Wilmington and pick him up. He would come stay with us for a week at a time, usually at least once a month.

While she was living in Wilmington she met a guy on the internet. He moved in almost immediately. When I visited with my grandson I could tell there was a difference. My grandson didn't like this man. Whenever I visited my daughter's home I noticed how my grandson was treated. It broke my heart. It was little things, like constantly being made to stand in the corner. Constantly being talked down to. It just broke my heart. He would constantly ask my husband and me if he could come live with us.

Eventually, this man talked my daughter into quitting her job and moving to Philadelphia. In August 2008, she and this man moved to Philly. She changed jobs and ended up getting pregnant. I still was able to see my grandson, but not nearly as much as before. My daughter had to "ask permission" from her boyfriend for my grandson to come visit.

Unfortunately, I could no longer keep my mouth closed. I told my daughter my opinion of this man and the way my grandson was treated in general. My oldest son even visited with my daughter in Philadelphia and told her he didn't care for the way this man treated her or my grandson. It made no difference to my daughter.

Then, in August, 2009, I got a frantic call from her. This man had taken their new baby (seven months old at the time) and left without telling her where he was going. He went to the court in Philadelphia and filed for custody of the little girl. I went to Philly immediately and took my daughter to see a lawyer. Mind you, I had to pay for this because after she had my granddaughter she quit her job to work at home as personal assistant for an online business. Her boyfriend, in the meantime, had quit his job and had no income.

Anyway, long story short, we were able to get the baby away from him and I brought her, my two grandchildren and everything she had back to our home in New Jersey. This was the first week in August, 2009.

Almost immediately this man started making claims that my daughter was unfit, was an alcoholic and a drug user. He also stated that my grandson was a danger to his daughter. He put my daughter through hell for quite a while. We had to go to court in Philadelphia almost monthly to deal with this. Eventually, my daughter got full custody of my granddaughter. The lawyer cost over $12,000.

In November 2009, she moved into her own apartment. Of course, we had to help her with the deposit and first month's rent, but, with her child support for both children, her pay from her online job she was able to make ends meet. She finally got a good job at the condo management office where she lived. She could have actually walked to work.
Since she didn’t have a car, I took them everywhere they needed to go. Eventually we signed over the title to one of our cars to her so that I didn’t have to be home constantly to drive her around.

By now, my grandson was in kindergarten/first grade. She found a babysitter less than a mile from her house and less than a block from my grandson's school. Things were going well as far as I could tell. I got to see the kids all of the time. My daughter seemed to be getting on with her life.

How wrong could I have been? How could I have not seen what was soon to come?

My husband and I took a weeklong vacation to Las Vegas in October. We left on Sunday and came back on Friday afternoon. I tried to call my daughter Saturday afternoon to see if she and the kids wanted to come over Sunday morning and spend the day and watch football. When she didn't answer the phone, I left a message. No big deal. Then Sunday morning I had to take my son back to college. While I was driving him, I asked him to call my daughter and see if she was going to come over after I got back from Queens.

Still no answer, so he left a message. When I still hadn't heard from her when I got back to town, I went by the condo to make sure everything was okay. It wasn't. She had left town the day before. She had moved to Tennessee to be with her ex-boyfriend. She took the children, moved and never even bothered to tell me.

They have now been gone since late October. After doing some research I did find her address in Tennessee. I've sent regular mail, email, called and left messages, but she won't return my calls. Won't return emails. The only person that she stays in touch with his my oldest son in Texas. I’m not real sure how much they stay in contact.

I asked my oldest son to ask my daughter if we could send Christmas presents to the kids. If she would give them to them. She said yes so we sent presents. My granddaughter’s birthday was the first week in January. I sent presents. I never got an acknowledgement that she received them. I do know they were delivered.

Then, late in January I wanted to know what to send my grandson for his upcoming birthday so I emailed her and asked her what I could get him for his birthday. She answered with a couple of ideas. I emailed her back and thanked her for the information and told her I would send his presents.

Again, I know they were received, but she never let me know he got them. Never let me know if he liked them.

I cry every single day. My heart is broken. I have emailed her and begged and pleaded for her to let my grandson call me. I just want to talk to him. I just want him to know that I still love him. I want him to know that I didn’t abandon him.

I’m sure I cannot go on this way. I have other children, and other grandchildren. I love them with all of my heart. I just feel as though there is a huge, gaping hole in my heart and it will never be filled again. I just don’t know what to do any more.

I don’t even know why I wrote this. I just know that I feel so hurt inside. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’ve never been a sad person. Never felt sorry for myself. Considered myself a happy, out-going person. Now I feel sad and pathetic.

I can’t imagine feeling worse than I do on most days. I’m SO tired of crying. So tired of missing my grandchildren.

I would do anything just to talk to my grandson and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I don’t think the day will ever come that I will be allowed to do that.

Pre - A New Year - 2011

I just read an article on the AARP website on "How to Repair a Broken Heart". It says you shouldn't pretend to be "ok", you should learn something new or even "write it down". That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to try to journal how I feel, if not every day, at least once a week. The article recommends "You might even consider writing letters to the person you lost to help you clarify your emotions. At a later date, you'll be able to look back on what you've written and gain new insights into yourself by observing how you coped at this poignant time."

A little background. I have four children that I love with all of my heart. I made a lot of mistakes early in my life and didn't realize at that time how that would affect my children. I was physically and mentally abused by my ex-husband. I'm not going to sit here and blame it all on him. I'm sure that while no one is to blame in these kinds of situations, that I wasn't a perfect wife. I know enough about myself in hindsight, to know that I wasn't a perfect parent either.

Now, having said that, I love my children now more than ever. Is it enough? Do they know it? I would hope they do. I try to tell them how much they mean to me. I try to show them, but sometimes, you just never know if its enough.

Well, I have to take my sister to the airport soon so I really should end today's post. I want to sit and write more when I have time. I want to write more when I can be more focused. Hopefully tomorrow.

Philadelphia

Let me preface this by saying there is nothing I like about Philly. Ok, that may sound harsh. There is nothing I like about Philly sports. There. I've said it. Nothing I like, until last night.

The Philadelphia Eagles were playing the Dallas Cowboys in Dallas last night. Probably one set of teams I like even less than Philly would be Dallas. So you would think I wouldn't watch the game. You're right, I didn't. However, being the sports family that we are, we watched ESPN today and saw what I considered the best EVER "celebration" in the endzone. Why they would call it a "celebration" isn't beyond me, it was more of a "statement".

DeSean Jackson, after catching a pass from Michael Vick "fell" into the end zone to score a 91-yard touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys during the second half. It was a thing of beauty! The fact that he did it in Arlington made it even better.

I'm not one for all of the bravado in the endzone, but the Cowboys deserved this one. So many times I've seen the Cowboys, with their puny 4-9 record (even less at the time of the celebrations), hit the endzone after a score and pound their chests, leap frog over each other and proclaim how great they are and how they are "America's team." My term for them is a bunch of undisciplined clowns. What goes around, comes around, Dallas.

This Sunday was ripe with stories, funny, kinda funny and really ridiculous! It was a great day for football. Snow, ice, a player out of bounds, being tripped by a coach on the sideline (one would ask why the player was running out of bounds, but that would be a whole 'nother story), a whole game having to be relocated both in location and day. The Metrodome fell in and so did DeSean Jackson. What a day!

After Thanksgiving...

Hi all! I'm new to this whole "blog" thing, but I thought I'd give it a shot.

A little about me. I'm a fifty-seven year old mother of four, grandmother of 7. My wonderful husband and I have been married for over 20 years. We live in the "mountains" of New Jersey. They're actually more like rolling hills, but since there are ski slopes less than five miles from our house, we'll call them mountains!

My youngest son is in his third year of study at a university in Queens, NY. Majors in journalism. He's a sports NUT! I will credit him with starting me on my own road to sports fanaticality (yes, I know it's probably not a word). Having been introduced to hockey by him last year, I am crazy for the NJ Devils. We (me, my husband and son) try to attend games at the Prudential Center (the Rock) as money and time will allow.

If I continue to write this - this is a big if. I'm pretty sure I'm ADD or some alphabetical acronym. I seem to start things and have terrific intentions, then something else catches my attention. (Oh look there's a chicken!) I need to discipline myself better and hopefully my daughter, the one that still loves me and stays in contact with me, will help me keep focused. Anyway, if I cocntinue to write this, you'll find out how much sports affects our lives.

On that note, I'll call it a day. Just got back from taking my son back to school and I'm a little bit tired and in need of some football. Yes, another sport!

Until next time ... GrandmaInNJ