Tired of crying

My story is so long, but I feel as though I'm not the only grandparent in this position.

When my daughter was 28 years old, she had an affair with a married man, got pregnant and had my grandson, seven years ago. They lived with us for quite a while. I babysat my grandson while my daughter worked. They eventually moved out of our home to a town about 10 miles away. I still babysat my grandson. My daughter, my grandson and I always did things together. It seemed as though everything was fine.

My daughter had a good job, but decided for some reason she wanted to move to Wilmington, Delaware. (110 miles away from my home) I still got to see my grandson because I would go down to Wilmington and pick him up. He would come stay with us for a week at a time, usually at least once a month.

While she was living in Wilmington she met a guy on the internet. He moved in almost immediately. When I visited with my grandson I could tell there was a difference. My grandson didn't like this man. Whenever I visited my daughter's home I noticed how my grandson was treated. It broke my heart. It was little things, like constantly being made to stand in the corner. Constantly being talked down to. It just broke my heart. He would constantly ask my husband and me if he could come live with us.

Eventually, this man talked my daughter into quitting her job and moving to Philadelphia. In August 2008, she and this man moved to Philly. She changed jobs and ended up getting pregnant. I still was able to see my grandson, but not nearly as much as before. My daughter had to "ask permission" from her boyfriend for my grandson to come visit.

Unfortunately, I could no longer keep my mouth closed. I told my daughter my opinion of this man and the way my grandson was treated in general. My oldest son even visited with my daughter in Philadelphia and told her he didn't care for the way this man treated her or my grandson. It made no difference to my daughter.

Then, in August, 2009, I got a frantic call from her. This man had taken their new baby (seven months old at the time) and left without telling her where he was going. He went to the court in Philadelphia and filed for custody of the little girl. I went to Philly immediately and took my daughter to see a lawyer. Mind you, I had to pay for this because after she had my granddaughter she quit her job to work at home as personal assistant for an online business. Her boyfriend, in the meantime, had quit his job and had no income.

Anyway, long story short, we were able to get the baby away from him and I brought her, my two grandchildren and everything she had back to our home in New Jersey. This was the first week in August, 2009.

Almost immediately this man started making claims that my daughter was unfit, was an alcoholic and a drug user. He also stated that my grandson was a danger to his daughter. He put my daughter through hell for quite a while. We had to go to court in Philadelphia almost monthly to deal with this. Eventually, my daughter got full custody of my granddaughter. The lawyer cost over $12,000.

In November 2009, she moved into her own apartment. Of course, we had to help her with the deposit and first month's rent, but, with her child support for both children, her pay from her online job she was able to make ends meet. She finally got a good job at the condo management office where she lived. She could have actually walked to work.
Since she didn’t have a car, I took them everywhere they needed to go. Eventually we signed over the title to one of our cars to her so that I didn’t have to be home constantly to drive her around.

By now, my grandson was in kindergarten/first grade. She found a babysitter less than a mile from her house and less than a block from my grandson's school. Things were going well as far as I could tell. I got to see the kids all of the time. My daughter seemed to be getting on with her life.

How wrong could I have been? How could I have not seen what was soon to come?

My husband and I took a weeklong vacation to Las Vegas in October. We left on Sunday and came back on Friday afternoon. I tried to call my daughter Saturday afternoon to see if she and the kids wanted to come over Sunday morning and spend the day and watch football. When she didn't answer the phone, I left a message. No big deal. Then Sunday morning I had to take my son back to college. While I was driving him, I asked him to call my daughter and see if she was going to come over after I got back from Queens.

Still no answer, so he left a message. When I still hadn't heard from her when I got back to town, I went by the condo to make sure everything was okay. It wasn't. She had left town the day before. She had moved to Tennessee to be with her ex-boyfriend. She took the children, moved and never even bothered to tell me.

They have now been gone since late October. After doing some research I did find her address in Tennessee. I've sent regular mail, email, called and left messages, but she won't return my calls. Won't return emails. The only person that she stays in touch with his my oldest son in Texas. I’m not real sure how much they stay in contact.

I asked my oldest son to ask my daughter if we could send Christmas presents to the kids. If she would give them to them. She said yes so we sent presents. My granddaughter’s birthday was the first week in January. I sent presents. I never got an acknowledgement that she received them. I do know they were delivered.

Then, late in January I wanted to know what to send my grandson for his upcoming birthday so I emailed her and asked her what I could get him for his birthday. She answered with a couple of ideas. I emailed her back and thanked her for the information and told her I would send his presents.

Again, I know they were received, but she never let me know he got them. Never let me know if he liked them.

I cry every single day. My heart is broken. I have emailed her and begged and pleaded for her to let my grandson call me. I just want to talk to him. I just want him to know that I still love him. I want him to know that I didn’t abandon him.

I’m sure I cannot go on this way. I have other children, and other grandchildren. I love them with all of my heart. I just feel as though there is a huge, gaping hole in my heart and it will never be filled again. I just don’t know what to do any more.

I don’t even know why I wrote this. I just know that I feel so hurt inside. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’ve never been a sad person. Never felt sorry for myself. Considered myself a happy, out-going person. Now I feel sad and pathetic.

I can’t imagine feeling worse than I do on most days. I’m SO tired of crying. So tired of missing my grandchildren.

I would do anything just to talk to my grandson and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I don’t think the day will ever come that I will be allowed to do that.